If I could only give my heart,
Tell those I love how much they mean.
And anger only shows I care;
To disagree does not mean hate.
If I could give a sunlit song
A calming balm, a hand so strong.
If I could tell each one I meet
How precious is their soul, and sweet.
One day I’ll learn to speak my mind
To honest be, and still be kind.
To let myself be hurt once more
And tell the tale of endless love.
10/27/12 Saturday
Mom went to intensive care tonight, on a BPAP machine (helps her to breathe). She was having spasms due to lack of oxygen to the brain, I think. I’m hoping to drive to Kaiser Hospital in Roseville tomorrow to see her. Her health has not been well and it may be that all of us kids will be with her tomorrow. My husband Tom is on a trip, so please pray that everyone is safe in their travels, that God’s will be done regarding my mother, and that we will be a comfort to her.
10/28/12 Sunday
On Sunday, she had an about an hour of wakefulness at one point. She repeated three times, “Heaven is the only goal”. Then she blessed each one of us kids individually, with a special word for each one. I’m so grateful we had that time.
10/30/12 Tuesday (don’t know where Monday went)
Tuesday was a very good day for mom, emotionally and spiritually speaking. A person from the local church prayed with her, as they do every day. Also, a priest friend of hers called from Africa! I held the phone to her ear and she smiled. She seemed much more peaceful throughout the day. she would smile at us with love when awake, but could only speak one word now and then. Her smile lights up the room! More smiles than I’ve seen on the previous days.
10/31/12
Her best friend from El Cerrito visited her. Tom decided the previous day to cancel his trip and arrived a bit earlier. A harpist [part of the Kaiser Roseville chaplaincy department] came and played for about 1/2 an hour! Lots of prayer and thanks for yours.
11/1/12
Mom was still with us in the morning. She developed a fever and a problem with one of her IVs, but they got all that under control.
She passed away peacefully at about 3:30 p.m. A hospital chaplain had happened (?) to come in and realized that she was passing. I was out in the hallway and they yelled for me. All of her children (four of us), two spouses and two girlfriends were there. Amazing that we all got to be there.
Thank you so much for your prayers for her and our family. I am joyful in the sense that she’s now free of any suffering and with Jesus in heaven, but sad about her leaving us.
Why do I suffer?
Why do I fall?
Is it a lack of something within?
Is it a deafness, blindness, sin?
Is it my fault,
A weakness large?
Is it an ignorant, stubborn heart?
Or perhaps all these,
Seized on to torment,
By an enemy fierce
Who confusion foments?
Your grace do I seek;
I am utterly weak.
My eyes cannot see;
My ears wrongly hear.
Help me to trust
In You — that I must.
Empty without You,
Bereft of all things,
Nothing to offer,
Nothing to bring.
Only a skel’ton,
A frame without flesh,
A small, empty vessel —
Without peace, without rest.
Until You do fill me,
Until You bring grace,
Until You infuse me —
I need Your embrace.
You tear back the curtains,
You dissipate dust,
You melt all the misty,
You fill up my cup.
You bring into focus
What once was unclear.
The picture once blurry
I face without fear.
I looked around, what did I see?
A person looking back at me.
Was he the I, or I the it,
Was he to me my destiny?
And who am I and who are you?
Our destinies together through
Has God ordained; it must be true.
A myst’ry lies beneath it all,
I do not understand the call.
But still with trust I must go forth;
My circumstances must not force.
Accept, accept, and let it be.
Why the truth I tend to hide?
Refuse to God my sins confide?
Reluctant Doctor God to see;
Confess that I’m in agony?
Hiding the hate, the fear, the sin;
Hiding all that lurks within.
Not to say that I’m no good,
Just that I be honest should.
And not to hide behind a smile;
Let down the acting for a while.
Not conceal behind a mask
My weaknesses — that is my task.
O why pretend, my weary soul,
That I’m the person in control?
The circumstances of my life
To Him I yield, let go the strife.
When your soul is weary,
When life is dull and dreary,
When your eyes get teary,
Take the time, take the time —
To smell the air,
To feel the wind in your hair,
To see the beauty of a flower.
To feel the sun on your skin –
Don’t let the light grow dim.
Take a minute, take an hour,
To stop your soul from getting sour.
Everything will one day die
Even you, and even I.
And will it matter at that time
The thing today that seemed so dire?
Let it go, let it go.
You don’t need to make a show
Of how good you are, and how brave.
Don’t let your pride kill the joy inside.
Through death and birth,
Ill health and woe,
Through laughter, tears,
Through joys and fears —
The world’s still here.
It didn’t stop
To take a pause
When someone died,
When someone cried;
When someone lied,
The world went on.
Through war and peace,
Through health, disease;
Through daring feats,
And cowardly deeds —
Life still flows on.
It might be wise
To take a pause,
To look at all
The many flaws
Which unknowing —
Suffering cause.
And learn, and learn,
And finally learn,
That Love is waiting
With open arms,
When all does cease.
(Inspired by the heavy rain today.
I felt it was washing me clean as I drove along in my car.)
Wash me clean, Oh Lord!
Like drops of rain that coalesce,
Cleanse me with Your tenderness —
Oh, wash me clean.
Like rivers rushing to the sea,
Like waterfalls that roar at me,
Like river rapids wild and free —
Wash me clean.
With Holy Spirit water let
My soul revive and not forget —
My sins were scarlet —
Now washed clean.
Let rain fall down from up above,
Cleanse the stain of sin with love,
All filth and dirt are washed away;
Close by Your side my soul must stay.
clarakatalin 
Paradise
The Hungarians (my ancestors) must think very highly of tomatoes. They use the same word (paradicsom) for tomato and paradise.
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