In the United States, how do we care for our elderly parents, or other elderly people? Here are some ways I have witnessed or read about. What do you think are the best ways, most practical, most workable, or best for the elderly?
A relative of my husband’s, Mary, lived in Washington state. She and her husband built, or had built for them, an addition to their house. Mary’s widowed dad lived in this beautiful addition. It had its own bathroom, fireplace, and tiny living room, and the whole addition was directly attached to the main house. In the early days of his living there, he went for many walks in the neighborhood, and lived there to the age of 102. I don’t know if the addition had a kitchen, and they probably shared meals.
Growing up, my dad’s mother first lived in our home, in a large room attached to the kitchen. Later, she moved to an apartment about a mile from our house. I would visit her a lot after school and she would be at our home for many occasions. Then later again, when I was in my twenties, she moved to an apartment only three blocks from where my parents lived, and only one block from the apartment that I had moved to when I was older. So both my parents, siblings, and myself could visit her often.
The Amish, a religious sect, do not have any separate “retirement communities” for the elderly. Rather, younger families will build an attached or detached addition to their own home, called a “dawdi haus” (there are various spellings for this). See https://www.amish365.com/retirement-homes-for-the-amish-what-is-a-dawdy-haus .
An in-law had her fairly independent elderly parents living in a retirement community, where each couple or single person had a cottage. Then the husband had a bad fall and a slow-growing cancer was discovered. The family had both him and his wife moved to a facility with assisted living, and with another unit for memory care. They were visited often by family, and some family parties were held in one of the facility’s “party rooms”. The husband’s problems progressed, and perhaps a year or two after that move, the husband passed away. Again, the siblings searched for a good facility for their mother. One sibling (six total) wanted the mother in her own home, which was small, with one bathroom, and already had four people in it (no free bedroom), but the other siblings nixed that. At least two of the other siblings were “professionals”, one a doctor. None of the other five siblings, besides the first mentioned, thought that having the mother in their home would be workable. After much research, a small facility was found which highly encourages family to visit. There are only twelve residents. I have visited this place and it’s more like a group home than a “facility,” with a very home-like atmosphere. It is close to most of the siblings and they take turns visiting, most days of the week. They have had, since the move after dad’s fall, an online sharable chart in which they sign up for visits, so as to minimize alone time for their parents.
My own mom, in her later years, lived one or two miles from my sister and my older brother. Her home was an apartment in a retirement community. Later, she bought a two-bedroom mobile home in another community for those over 55. This, too, was within two miles of two of my siblings. It was plenty of room for her, and my two siblings could visit her often, take her to doctor appointments, and check on her medications. My younger brother and I visited less often, as we were about three hours driving distance away. I did try to call my mom at least once a week.
There is a couple I know who were friends of my father’s. The wife developed a chronic illness and had to be in a nursing home. They have no children. Recently, the husband had a bad fall. He will be moving into the nursing home and selling their house. They will live there in the nursing home together. I don’t know what kind of family support they have, or close friends who can visit. They don’t have children, and live in a state hundreds of miles from me. I hope it is a nursing home that has lots of visitors.
My husband’s mom lived in two or three apartments in different retirement communities in the eastern U.S., for many years. Eventually, she moved close to my husband’s younger brother on the west coast, to a retirement community apartment. After a while, my brother-in-law and his wife bought a new home a few doors down from their previous home, and had mom move into their previous home. So, they could walk over there any time, and would accompany her to their house when she visited. She had to be hospitalized at one point, and it was determined that in the aftermath, they could not care for her on their own. After one horrible place, my husband’s brother-in-law found a very nice facility only a mile or two from their house. She ended up passing away there a few months later, thankfully with her younger son present. My husband and I had been with her earlier in the day.
In California, we lived near to an elderly man whose wife eventually divorced him. He doesn’t have the closest relations with her or his children or grandchildren. He eventually had to sell his home to pay for divorce-related costs, besides not being able to keep things up on his own. He now lives in an elderly home in south San Francisco bay. He likes me to call him and does not get many visitors.
A couple who have been friends of ours for years moved from California to Pennsylvania, in large part to help the husband’s relatives. First of all, before moving, they had bought the house of one of his sisters, as she was no longer able to pay for it (or perhaps even just pay the taxes) or keep it up. This sister died after they moved. The Covid pandemic was still happening. But, they did what they could to help the husband’s other relatives and in-laws. Eventually they were able to visit more, and two of the relatives were getting quite ill (cancer, etc.) and were in hospice care. The husband visited often, and even (I believe) brought them closer to God by his encouragement. So both of these people (one of his sisters and her husband) died in peace this past year. There is a third relative who is harder to get through to, but the husband faithfully visits him and gives him care. Let us pray that this relative will be open to God’s love.
[Edit: January 25, 2024] Just a few days ago, I learned of another case. A lovely retired widow, with whom I would chat with at church on weekdays, informed me that she’d be moving today. I was a bit surprised, but her story made a lot of sense. She’d been living alone since her husband’s death. One of her children and his wife had recently moved from a community near the church and had bought two homes next to each other in an area perhaps 10 miles away. They invited the mother to move in next door to them, and so she is today. She’ll be going to a different church, but might visit ours occasionally.
How will YOU care for your parents when they are less able to care for themselves? What can we do for those who gave us the gift of life? Can we show our gratitude by not letting them get isolated? If you had difficult relations with your parents, pray to forgive them and to have some honest conversations.
clarakatalin 
The Piece That Won’t Fit
Lately, I’ve been slightly obsessed with comparing my understanding of life to putting together a jigsaw puzzle (see my previous post here)
Growing up in a family of six, we (at least us females) really enjoyed jigsaw puzzles. My older sister might have been the most talented at it, my mother the least. She lasted only a short time at the puzzle table, perhaps because she was busy, but possibly because she became frustrated with the process. Sometimes she was absolutely convinced that a piece belonged in a particular spot, and would declare, “But it HAS to go there!” almost trying to maneuver it into the hoped-for space. I must confess, I have done that myself.
Aren’t we all like that sometimes? We want something to work the way WE want it. We try all kinds of ways to make it work. In the end, we have more peace if we surrender and accept that it won’t work. Of course, there are times that we should fight to get something to work, like a cherished relationship. This takes some discernment — even in relationships we have to surrender our wish to be “right,” or our desire to get back at someone. In the long run, it takes prayer, discernment, and sometimes guidance from the Holy Spirit and others to decide what to let go of and what to fight for.
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